I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
