Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize