You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
