I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
