theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize