you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
