Ambien. No doubt about it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
