At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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