I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
