Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
