So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
