Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I touched a dick in church today
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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