hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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