My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
