I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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