we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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