Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
