fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
