my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
