I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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