So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
