Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
