So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
