im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
