i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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