Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
