Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We left the knife in your bed.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
