So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
