so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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