all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
