I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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