Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
