There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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