I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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