Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
