And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
