If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
