Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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