How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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