Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
