i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
