omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
