i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize