"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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