I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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