I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
