I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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