So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
