girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
