just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
