party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
