So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i drank out of a bidet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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