You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
