I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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