i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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