Where did you get a picture of my penis
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
