I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
