I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Randomize
