My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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