Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
